I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
I'm the best. I just haven't played yet
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
You've just got one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you've hit it.
If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
Chi Chi Rodriguez
The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.
They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.