Funniest Horseracing Jokes

By Captain Thomsen on 26 Nov 2015

laughing horse

Some race horses stay in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another.

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound dog, who has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

 

laughing horse

A trainer was giving last-minute instructions to a jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth, just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You're on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".

 

laughing horse

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help.

The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched the horse to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

 

laughing horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Provided you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it", and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!". Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me. It's this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he' blind!!!".

 

laughing horse

A man was sitting quietly, reading his racing paper one morning, when his wife sneaked up behind him and whacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan. "What did I do to deserve that?" said the man.

"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" his wife asked.

"Oh honey, you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked satisfied and apologised.

Three days later the man was once again sitting in his chair reading when his wife hit him on the back of the head with the frying pan. "What in the world was that for this time?" the man asks. "Your horse just called."

 

laughing horse

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

 

laughing horse

The husband of a blonde horse racing fanatic tells his wife, "You're losing all our money at the track. I can't stand it anymore. If you go to the track once more our marriage is finished."

The blonde attempts to stay away from the racecourse for a week, and when the craving becomes to strong decides to go to a movie to distract herself. She's buys a ticket to a film about a girl who nurses an injured racehorse to health and enters it in a race as a long shot outsider.

The horse is about to run in the final scene when the blonde turns to the man behind her and says, "I've got 50 bucks on the favorite." "You're on," says the guy behind her "I've got the long shot." Sure enough, the long shot beats the favorite to the post. The blonde turns to pay the man. "I can't take it from you," the guy says. "I've seen the film before."

"I've seen it, too," says the blonde, "but I figured he'd do better this time with the extra race under his belt."

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